I didn’t always have a taste for human flesh. But once you get past that awkward part where you’re putting a piece of another human in your mouth and chewing it and swallowing, it’s not that bad.
Now, it may be one of those placebo type things. I mean if I participated in a double blind study where I ate beef on certain days, and human meat on certain days, I’m not sure I’d be able to tell the difference. Especially if the pieces of meat were selected and cooked for similarity.
But something about knowing that I’m putting a piece of human flesh in my mouth somehow makes it taste so much better. And it gives me a little bit of extra energy. Not energy like drinking a strong cup of coffee or doing a huger rail of blow, but a kind of metaphysical energy.
Like you’re able to understand things on a different level. Of course, it doesn’t last. Or at least so far I haven’t got it to last longer than the evening, since I usually eat my human flesh at night. But I would open to any ideas if you happen to have any insights.
It all started by accident. Nobody really leaves their house in the morning with the specific intention of becoming a cannibal. I mean I didn’t bring an extra bit of salt and pepper, or maybe some vinegar to soften up the chewy parts
I woke up late, and as such I skipped breakfast. I didn’t eat the night before. I was on this crazy diet where you only eat one meal per day. And the famous doctor who recommends this type of eating (called intermittent fasting) says you shouldn’t eat too close to bed time. S
So I’ve been eating my one meal around two in the afternoon. Which means in the morning I’m frikking starving. But by lunch, the hunger has kind of gone away. Until you put food in front of me. Then I go crazy.
So there I am, ten AM, stuck in traffic. There’s this huge wreck ahead. There’s an El Pollo Loco next to my work and I usually go there for lunch. Or after lunch, when I eat my meal.
But this idiot on the freeway crashed, and there was no way out. I mean all of us were stuck. So finally when I crept by, It was noon. I was about to die. I called my boss and made up some crazy story (I don’t know why I didn’t say I was stuck in traffic) and said I couldn’t come in. At all. I was starting to freak out, and I was worried I wouldn’t get to eat.
So when the traffic finally cleared, I got off at the first off ramp. And I started looking for any kind of restaurant or fast food place that sold meat. That’s the thing on this once-a-day-diet, you are supposed to eat mostly fat and protein. Not fast food, like deep fried potatoes.
So in my haste to find a fast food place, I accidentally ran over this dude. It wasn’t really my fault. I had the light, and he was walking across the street, (it was red on his side) staring at his phone. So I ran right over him.
And I caused a compound fracture in his leg. Which meant his bone was sticking out. So while everybody is gathered around trying to help the poor guy, I was staring at his leg like it was a gigantic piece of chicken or something.
And, no, I didn’t lean over right then and there and take a bite out of him. I’d be in jail now. But I’m not in jail. But I did decide that I wanted to try to eat some human. And soon. Once you get that idea in your mind, it doesn’t really leave.
So I found out how to order some ether. That stuff that knocks out. The first couple of nights was pretty sketchy. I actually chickened out. But the third time, I went through with it. I had a small back pack, and my ether.
I casually walked up behind this guy, that was alone, and knocked him out with the either. Then I took my small hatchet out of my pack, and hacked off his leg, just below the knee.
And now, I’m not a murderer, so I didn’t let him bleed to death. I tied a tourniquet around his leg, and even poured some alcohol on there so he wouldn’t get infected. I also had a large plastic bag that I immediately put the leg in. The whole process took less than three minutes.
And once I got home, it was just like cooking a large turkey leg or large roast, with the bone still in.
Truthfully, compared to the hassle it took to cook, there wasn’t a lot of meat. Maybe a couple days worth. The back part of the lower calf is where all the good stuff is. The rest is all rough and tendon-like, so it’s pretty chewy.
I was never the type of guy who likes eating tendon anyway, so I just threw that stuff out. Don’t worry, I chopped it all up. But that first night taught me something. Chopping up the foot, so the garbage man doesn’t immediately call the cops, is hard.
So now, when I knock a guy out and take his leg, I usually cut in two places. Just below the knee, and just above the ankle. I’ve also learned that chopping the foot off BEFORE you chop below the knee is easiest.
If you chop below the knee first, then chopping off the foot is really hard, because then you’ve got blood squirting everywhere, and it gets all messy.
So that’s my strategy. Ether from behind to knock him out. Chop off the foot, and then chop off below the knee. Wrap up the piece I want to take home, and then tie it off so the guy doesn’t bleed to death.
I will admit, however, that I’ve been leaving their chopped off feet right in front of their face, so it’s the first thing they see when they wake up.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to video tape that, as that would be pretty funny to watch. But so far I’m too worried the cops would lead it back to me.
But anyhow, that’s how you get yourself some fresh human, in case you’re interested. It is quite a lot of work, mostly the stalking part, but once you get that tender piece of calf home, it’s mighty tasty.
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A boomtown on the edge of economic liftoff. An evil lawyer with inescapably psychotic power. When Marcus Canfield, an underachieving bartender realizes his gift has been reawakened, only to have the girl of his dreams snatched away, he knows he must stop the horrific threat to both her and the entire United States before it's too late.