I found this stray dog recently. Well, it was more like he found me. I take a fairly long walk every morning. About an hour. I like to walk before the sun comes up. Or at least leave before sunrise.
 
I live in a particularly rural area, and there aren’t a lot of houses around. A few weeks ago, when I was on the way back, I walk in a big loop, I noticed this dog was following me. I thought maybe he’d gotten lost or something, so I didn’t really pay him much attention.
 
But after a couple of days, with him showing up in the same place, I thought I’d go and see if he had one of those tags with his name on it. I couldn’t really tell what kind of dog he was. He’s about as big as a lab, but he’s kind of a dirty brown. Maybe some kind of mutt. I’m not much of a dog person.
 
But he didn’t have a collar, so he didn’t have any ID. I tried a bunch of “dog names,” but he didn’t respond to any of them. Over the next couple days I brought him some stuff to eat. Whatever stuff I had that didn’t seem like it would be dangerous. I know that dogs can’t eat chocolate, but that’s about it.
 

 
Pretty soon he was patiently waiting for me in the same spot. Sitting. Not standing like he was. After about a week, I motioned for him to follow me home, which he did. I let him in my back yard, and went out and bought a bowl. Started feeding him. Taking him on walks with me.
 
I never bought a leash, because he always walks next to me. I even looked up some commands online, and he obeyed them perfectly. Sit. Stay. Heel.
 
But one day I went to far. Well, maybe. I guess time will tell.
 
I was out walking, this time in the afternoon. And he (I haven’t given him a name) was walking right alongside next to me. And this punk kid rides by on his bicycle, maybe about twenty, and throws a beer bottle at me.
 
Well, he didn’t really throw it at me, but he was drinking it, finished it, and then just tossed it over his left shoulder. Didn’t even look. It nearly hit my head.
 

 
So jokingly, I looked at “my” dog, and then the guy on the bike, and said, “kill.”
 
And guess what? That dog ran up, leapt up at that kid from behind and mauled the shit out of him. I mean he turned vicious on a dime. There he was walking along next to me, and a split second later he’s about as violent as any cop dog I’d seen on TV.

And then when the guy was dead (trust me, I walked up next to him and he was dead, his throat was ripped wide open) “my” dog trotted back to me like nothing happened. I looked around and nobody had seen it.
 

 
We went home and I hosed him off. I felt like an idiot, but I explained if he got caught, I was going to say I didn’t know what happened, that he was just a stray and I started feeding him. He looked at me like he understood. Like I said, I’m an idiot.
 
So I tried it again. We walked, and I waited until somebody was walking ahead of us, and there was nobody else around.
 
“Kill,” I said. And BOOM! Off like a rocket. A silent rocket that leapt at this poor fuckers neck and had him face down on the ground before he even knew what hit him.
 
He didn’t even moan or scream or anything. My dog just ripped the back of his throat to shreds. Right through to the bone.
 

 
Now, what I did next is something you might not really like, or appreciate. But I figure as long as I have an obedient attack dog, I may as well use him. I mean, if “I” ever get caught, what are the cops going to do, put that dog on the stand and use his testimony against me?
 
So I bought a pickup truck. And I ride around town, sometimes far out of town, until I see a sketchy looking character walking alone. It’s particularly fun at night, when rowdy drunks are walking home from the bars.
 
Don’t worry, I don’t ever send him to kill normal people. Only mean people. I usually drive up and ask them directions, or if I can borrow their cell phone. Ones that are rude to me, or outright tell me to “fuck off” get killed.
 

 
Just like that.
 
I mean, it’s bad enough that people are dressing like lunatics these days. But the manners that some people is just atrocious.
 

 
So I figure they got it coming. And I suspect my dog agrees with me.
 
 
 

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